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My Artistic Journey is empty and here is my story by FlAmExxlOrD
My Artistic Journey is empty and here is my story
Why is this empty you ask ?
Have i made a mistake by uploading the template with no addition to it ?
Am i mad or simply desperate ? Am i trying to look spiritual and **** ? 
no no to all of that ... no 

I am not nearly good enough to compete with all those outstanding artists and i know that.

This is my artistic journey... what does it mean ? its been blank my entire life.
Some people get support from their loved ones for their art, some gets ignored and some likes me gets shouted at and discouraged so cruelly.

Ever since i was a kid i wanted to paint my thoughts and dreams, things that gets stuck in my head that i wanted to share and see if i can make it real, but they kept saying to me not to do it because it is against my religion .. our religion saying i'd be acting like a god by creating those stuff and therefor it is forbidden... i believed them ... i lived by that... they said its ok to draw houses and any non-living thing like shapes and such but when i started doing that they shouted at me again saying why am i doing this ? .. when what i was drawing were trees and scenery.

so as a kid it was nothing but a blank and pure depression, i didn't know any better so i did not feel that depressed and carried on with my life
but between 4 to 5 years ago i saw Deviantart, i learned about this beautiful site filled with outstanding artists who delivers their thoughts through their art, i felt so ashamed that i was scared of doing what i loved the most, so it gave me the courage to carry on again with secrecy.

I started drawing and drawing and realized ... all that blank that i lived left me .. without any talent and no inspiration, so i kept watching all the artists and observing their style, watching livestreams learning methods then i started doing my own slowly, for a while i was happy all i had was papers and pencils and i hid them from my family.

but one day they found them out...they kept shouting at me saying why would i do such a thing why would i waste my time on such nonsense and took them and tore them to pieces and with it my dreams were torn apart and destroyed, but i did not give up ... why was i strong.. if i was weak i would'v quit and carried on with my life but i didn't and it just kept on getting worse.

Was in highschool back then, i cried and cried all my art is torn apart but i did not stop .. no i carried on, i tried to hide it as much as i could but they always find out ... not really a big house just 1 floor and my brother and i are in the same room so it was nearly impossible.

Funny... one would think by now i would have stopped and just gave up but i didn't, i even drew more and more and put my art in the school's gallery, they encouraged us to draw and put it there so parents would come and see it ( not mine they never cared for that stuff ).

So i drew as best as i could and gave them 5 papers each has a drawing created by my sweat and tears, just to see them all torn apart the next day at the gallery, i asked why they said people did not like what i was drawing, they did not like that i drew dragons and a world that did not exist they wanted me to draw something realistic and meaningful saying mine was completely meaningless, a shot to the heart that was but i had my revenge on them after a while, uh i did some vandalism and whatnot nothing too serious dont worry.

But i still felt broken and yet i carried on why ? even i cannot answer that why did i not quite and just forget about it .. why ...why...

i carried on and everytime i'd get caught they'd beat me up shout on me non-stop and tear them all apart, eventually they had the idea of breaking my scanner that i got from an old relative as a gift... it was soo incredibly old barely even functioning making all my art looks dusty i waste 1 hour editing it on my computer before uploading it because all of the cracks in the glass and the poor quality.. scanner gone .. no more ways to upload art ... i should just quit right ? but no i didnt that was about 2 years ago i think but i did not quit i carried on i took papers to libraries to scan them and copy the content to a flashdrive, i did some terrible photoshop abstract stuff with my mouse, and i uploaded my stuff online and on facebook, one day they found out and the process of tearing it apart was repeated, eventually i  blocked all family memebers from facebook and changed my name so no family member can ever find me and lied saying i deactivated and stopped using it.

And when i wanted to get in college, i wanted to study graphics design foolishly thinking they'd let me do it i had my hopes up i was so excited about it just to get turned down, shoved in a college that i hate, in a major that i hate more and never ever thought of studying but it is where i am today , 3rd year in this college .. studying this major i truly hate.... that was the last straw 
This was the thing that broke me and my will, it shattered all my strength and will i am now but a broken pawn thrown out of a chess game i will probably never ever use a paper and a pencil to draw again thats it i am done i am tired of getting beaten up and threatened, do i still draw ? yes i do some minor stuff with my mouse and Da muro, do i upload it ? not really, it is not good enough to put on deviantart just some stick figure shaped comics copying (Cyanide and happiness) style i put them on the internet but not deviantart i don't think i'll ever contribuite with anymore art to this wonderful site and it pains me so much but i am thinking of just deactivating and never returning here ... 

because everytime i see all their art and how great it is something inside of me just dies.






This is my artistic journey and its path if you read all of that now you know why it was blank
If you read all of that then from the bottom of my heart i truly thank you for taking your time to collide with the words that my life spilled at me for the past years.
but i know that a lot would see this and wonder why is it empty and just skip through it, we all walk on our own paths and by reading this to me its like i opened a window between our own paths to show what i'v been through and what it feels like to be me, we all have our demons to fight we all stumble on our paths, and if your path is blocked just know that you need to believe in yourself and do not be like me.
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I am literally done with facebook , Fuck that piece of shit racist mother fucking asshole site that is full of cunts operating it.
first of all they disabled my account that i had for 4 years because it did not have my first real name
When the truth is it actually HAD My real name but they did not believe it and sadly my government id contains my old name ( before i legally changed it ) because my stupid country will not allow it.
And now they disabled my other account for the same mother fucking reason.
And i see people with names like ( the death hunter ) ( Spongebob ) And shit like that but me with Raziel Azzan gets disabled because of where i am From those fucking racist mother fuckers
100% done with facebook, all my photos are lost , all my work contacts and developer contacts are lost, all my videos and my memories on facebook all are lost.
Fuck facebook and everything it stands for
Yeah .. so i dont really know if anyone follows my page anymore since iv been dead for years.

to whom it may concern.

been working and everything going fine.
Playing games nonstop on steam and got seriously a lot better at art but no longer feel to share it with people anymore i am no longer in need of any attention so i find no need to share it .

Finished some small Flash noob games, and working on some Rpg maker projects trying to be very creative and using different variables and resources and scripts.
And maybe one day i will make a full game with another engine who knows.

So yeah .. life is good and i hope yours is to : )

deviantID

FlAmExxlOrD's Profile Picture
FlAmExxlOrD
No name placed here
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
I am a ghost you need not to know who i am
Interests
Yeah .. so i dont really know if anyone follows my page anymore since iv been dead for years.

to whom it may concern.

been working and everything going fine.
Playing games nonstop on steam and got seriously a lot better at art but no longer feel to share it with people anymore i am no longer in need of any attention so i find no need to share it .

Finished some small Flash noob games, and working on some Rpg maker projects trying to be very creative and using different variables and resources and scripts.
And maybe one day i will make a full game with another engine who knows.

So yeah .. life is good and i hope yours is to : )

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:icontommygk:
TommyGK Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello :icontkwaveplz:
It's been quite a long time, I hope you have been quite well these days :icontkhugplz:

How are things with you?
:icontksmileplz:
Reply
:iconflamexxlord:
FlAmExxlOrD Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hey : 3 
uh for latest news check my last uploaded thing the template  ( white and black lines )
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:icontablelander:
tablelander Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for faving this mirrored sunset
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:iconotakucamaro:
OtakuCamaro Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fave! <3
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:iconpixx-73:
Pixx-73 Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the fav. :bow:
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:iconshinobudash:
ShinobuDash Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch! :D 
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconflamexxlord:
FlAmExxlOrD Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i forgot my own birthday ... THanks anyway : D
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner May 6, 2014
Awww. :c But you're welcome! :3
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:iconolaf-the-snowman:
Olaf-The-Snowman Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
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